My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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