I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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