Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
