I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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