I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
