Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm passing your future prison.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
