she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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