my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
