I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
