If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
