WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
