I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
