I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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