Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
