The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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