idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
