Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
