Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
