its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
