we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
