I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
