dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
