When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
