My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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