I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
