Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
