don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
