Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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