When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
