So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
