My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
