today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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