I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
