Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
