Can i not drive my cunt home
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
