turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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