I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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