so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Where did you get a picture of my penis
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
