clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
