So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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