My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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