I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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