After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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