Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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