Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
My breath smells like gin and sadness
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
