So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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