shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
