I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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