We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
My ass is underappreciated
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
