My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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